plantar Fasciitis
Lately, I’ve been feeling this itch to get back into work. Don’t get me wrong, I love when people scoff in my face, tell me they ordered their drink iced, not hot, and the plantar fasciitis that stings after a double. Seriously, doesn't that sound like the dream? However, I am taken care of. I have health insurance, I have 40 hours, I enjoy my schedule, etc., etc. But I feel like I could be doing more. I want to write some copy and design pages again. I want to be the girl in the stylish outfit, ordering coffee before she goes to her cushy office. I want to make enough money to get a car made in the past ten years, at least! I want to drive to the Grand Canyon alone, I want to drive home for Christmas instead of being stuck at DIA for six hours of delays, and I want to avoid being scared that my engine will implode.
Corporate America is no noble feat and will not solve all of my worries, but I’d like to use my degree before Trump drafts me into the war or before the swollen lymph nodes on my neck put me in my grave. I want my writing to be recognized by like-minded people, not just shared on my Instagram story. I want to say, “I’m a writer!”, not “I’m a barista, and write in my free time.” Because, curse me, but I think I’m a pretty decent writer. Sure, I’m not mind-blowing people or changing lives, but I’d say this shit is enjoyable enough.
To put it simply, I was scrolling through posts and job listings on LinkedIn today. As I scrolled deeper down and the doubt grew hotter in my gut, I saw a post from a girl around my age. It was one of those LinkedIn posts with thousands of likes (bots, I bet) and fake bullshit inspiration.
There in the paragraph read:
“You’re on the right path.”
Newsflash, Katey McBoringson, you’re not my therapist and you’re not God. How do you know if I’m on the right path?
Do we think that, having been laid off from corporate jobs twice and worked hourly at coffee shops twice in three years, I am on the right path? Does she understand the mental gymnastics it takes not to take being laid off twice extremely personally? Being laid off once, I get. But twice? Is it my smile? My pants? My humor? My dependence on coffee? My lack of fully understanding the business I just started gaining experience in?
I go through the motions day-to-day until I get that itch to get back into my career. I review job listings and update my resume. I connect with people on LinkedIn and envision myself being a copywriter or marketing assistant again. Each time I apply, I only receive decline emails. The light at the end of the tunnel grows smaller and smaller until I give up. And besides, I make good money now and am happy enough. Who cares about my goals, career, or future?
I’m not feeling like I’m on the right path anymore. It feels like a force is pushing me down a path. Some force unbeknownst to me, with no change in the future, and no hand outstretched to help. Each time I try to change the path I’ve been following for over a year, the fire gets squashed.
So here I am and will be indefinitely, limping down this path with pins and needles from this goddamn plantar fasciitis.
